


Five Times Adrien Agreste Asked About ‘The Talk’ and the One Time Papa Dupain Took Pity on Him

by Book_Squirrel



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Crack Fic, F/M, Feed Adrien Agreste, Gabriel really is the worst, The Talk, Tom 'The Neighbourhood Dad' Dupain, a lot of pastries, how awkward can it get?, light Adrinette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-30 18:36:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17833967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Book_Squirrel/pseuds/Book_Squirrel
Summary: While playing video games one day, Nino learns that Adrien has never had The Talk with his parents. When Nino refuses to elaborate on the topic in question, Adrien must seek out more knowledgeable (and talkative) sources. Things go about as well as expected.





	Five Times Adrien Agreste Asked About ‘The Talk’ and the One Time Papa Dupain Took Pity on Him

 

Nino threw his controller down and pumped his fists in the air. ‘Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about!’ He fake punched Adrien twice in the bicep.

Adrien chuckled and pushed the button to return to the menu. ‘All right, so you finally beat me. Congratulations. Ready to take on Marinette now?’

‘Ha, dude! Baby steps. I’ll challenge Max on Monday at school.’ Nino grabbed a miniature savoury crepe from the table and shoved it in his mouth. ‘You know the joke where Young Link is the child of Link and Zelda?’

‘That doesn’t make any sense.’ Adrien pressed a button combination. ‘A clone would be a better theory.’

Nino grabbed another crepe.

‘Besides, they don’t even like each other romantically.’

‘I don’t think romance has much to do with anything when talking about The Chosen One™ and, well, The Other Chosen One™.’

Adrien looked at him quizzically. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Have you and your dad had The Talk yet?’

‘What’s the talk?’

Nino choked and coughed on the last bit of crepe.

Adrien thumped him helpfully on the back.

‘Thanks,’ wheezed Nino, grabbing drink of water. ‘So you’re saying that you and your old man have never had The Talk?’

‘Not that I know of. Should we?’

‘You’ve never talked about the birds and the bees?’

‘The what? Is this about the Bee and Peafowl Miraculouses?’

One of Nino’s eyes tweaked. ‘Uh, I’m going to leave that one there. Maybe you can ask one of the teachers?’

‘Would they know what I mean?’

‘My dude,’ Nino put a hand on Adrien’s shoulder, ‘if there’s anything everyone, and I mean _everyone,_ knows about, it’s The Talk.’

 

 

‘Class dismissed. See you all tomorrow!’ said Ms. Bustier. She waved to a couple of students before wiping the chalkboard down.

Adrien watched the rest of his classmates leave before walking up to his teacher. ‘Um, Ms. Bustier?’

The freckled teacher set down the chalkboard eraser. ‘Adrien, what can I help you with? Your paper on _Notre-Dame de Paris_ by Victor Hugo was excellent.’

‘Thanks, Ms. Bustier.’ He rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Um, a couple of the guys were talking and someone mentioned The Talk.’

Ms. Bustier’s mouth formed a perfect O before becoming before resuming her normal—albeit, slightly forced—smile. ‘Yes?’

‘And I was wondering, what is The Talk? There’s so much I missed out on because of being homeschooled.’

She smiled and put a hand on his shoulder. ‘And there’s so much that you know about that they don’t because of being homeschooled. Don’t ever be ashamed of being different, okay?’

‘Okay.’ He smiled back at her.

‘Unfortunately, The Talk, if it’s the one I think you’re asking about, is something I legally cannot discuss with a student without written and signed permission from a parent. Traditionally, parents talk about it with their children when they start going through puberty. Next year, you’ll take classes to help enhance your understanding.’ She smiled and mentally crossed her fingers. ‘You may have already had The Talk with your parents.’

‘Oh, yeah. May have.’

‘Ask your father about it tonight. I’m sure he’ll be happy to help you.’

Adrien smothered a grimace. ‘I’m sure he will. Thanks, Ms. Bustier. See you tomorrow.’

She waved goodbye and continued cleaning the board.

 

 

It was dinner before Adrien was able to see his father. Fencing, piano, and Chinese dragged by. After his conversation with Ms. Bustier, Adrien didn’t want to risk getting any of the instructors in trouble by asking them for an explanation.

At dinner, Adrien watched his father as they ate their dinner of grilled chicken with rosemary. As usual, his father read emails, occasionally making a remark to Nathalie for follow-up.

When the berry torte was served, Adrien realised it was now or never. ‘Father?’

Gabriel grunted.

‘I heard someone at school mention The Talk at school today. Everyone was really embarrassed and didn’t want to answer it. Do you know what it is?’

‘What what is?’ said Gabriel, mind still fixed on a fabric order.

‘The Talk. One of my friends said it’s “the birds and the bees”.’

Adrien was surprised at how well that caught his father’s attention.

Gabriel’s mouth opened and shut quickly. His face flushed and his eyes grew wide. His fingers pulled at his collar. ‘The Talk? Which talk?’ His voice sounded a pitch higher than usual.

‘Are you all right?’

‘I’m fine.’ Gabriel cleared his throat and rested his arms on the table. His elbow caught the tablet and sent it flying. 

Nathalie dove and caught the tablet before it crashed onto the marble floor.

‘You said you overheard the students at your school discussing The Talk?’ Gabriel drained his glass of wine and attempted to casually look about for the rest of the bottle. ‘Which talk?’

‘I’m not sure, but one of them said something about the “birds and the bees”.’

‘So you said.’

Adrien stabbed a raspberry in frustration.

‘I think there are some books in the library which may help.’

Nathalie cleared her throat.

Gabriel ignored her. ‘I’m afraid your mother would have been much better at explaining everything.’

Adrien stabbed a strawberry and two blueberries. ‘Yeah, she would have answered it straight away.’

Touché.

A bell sounded on the tablet.

Nathalie opened up the notification. ‘Sir, you have a video conference with the Busan-based distributors in fifteen minutes.’

‘Thank you, Nathalie.’ Gabriel stood and straightened his cravat. ‘Perhaps another time, Adrien.’

Adrien sat back in his chair and stared at the remains of his fruit torte.

 

 

Keys jangling in her hand, Nathalie walked through hall and towards the front door.

‘Nathalie?’

She stopped.

Adrien sat on the stairs in his bathrobe and pyjamas.

‘Adrien, what are you doing out of bed?’ She glanced at her watch. ‘It’s almost midnight. Your father—’

‘What’s so bad about The Talk that no one will tell me what it is? Nino didn’t want to explain it, Ms. Bustier said she can’t without Father’s permission, and Father looked like he’d rather be Akumatized again rather than answer my questions.’

He blinked his big green eyes at her.

‘There’s nothing wrong with The Talk. It’s simply very awkward for people. It’s a—’ Her brain scrambled. _This_ had never been a part of her MBA course. Nor had it been in the New Employee packet from HR. ‘Once people are comfortable with it, it can be wonderful. But initially, it makes people very uncomfortable.’

‘Should I look it up online?’

She paled. ‘No, please, don’t.’ She forced a smile. ‘Tell you what, I’ll go up with you to talk to your father. He’s done with all of his work for tonight.’

Adrien smiled and jumped to his feet.

Nathalie knocked on the office door and opened it.

‘Sir, Adrien is still wondering about his question from earlier—’

Gabriel put a binder of fashion projects on his desk. Upon seeing the two, he stood straight and folded his hands behind his back. ‘Nathalie, you can answer it.’

Calmly, she said, ‘Adrien, I need to speak with your father. Go to bed and we’ll have an answer for you tomorrow.’

His face fell. ‘Okay, thank you. Good night.’

Adrien shut the door behind him.

Nathalie set her keys on her desk and crossed her arms. ‘ _I’m_ going to give your son the sex talk?’

Gabriel grunted, already disappearing into the outdated sketches. He tried to walk out of the room.

Nathalie crossed her arms and blocked his path.

He finally looked up. ‘I believe it’s time for you to leave.’

‘I am not having that discussion with him, _sir_.’

He flinched at her tone, remembering a smaller, blonde-haired woman saying his name in a similar manner. ‘I’m not comfortable—’

‘Not comfortable?’ Her jaw clenched. ‘A man whose entire life is dedicated to dressing and undressing people can’t give his son the sex talk?’

She took a step towards him.

Gabriel stumbled back, tripping over his elevator shoes. He backed into his desk. The sharp edge cut into his thighs.

Nathalie’s index finger appeared under his nose. ‘This is far and above beyond my paygrade.’

He reached for his phone. ‘I’ll call HR about a one-time bonus.’

She whipped her phone out. ‘And I’ll call HR concerning my letter of resignation and a sexual harassment suit.’

He paled. ‘You wouldn’t.’

In a low voice, she said, ‘Would you rather I told the police about you being Hawkmoth?’

His hand slipped away from the phone.

Her finger remained over the dial button. Through gritted teeth, she said, ‘Have the talk yourself or find another parent. As you so often remind me, Adrien is not my son.’

 

 

His father hadn’t appeared at breakfast.

Nathalie had given him his schedule without a word.

In the car on the way to school, Adrien stared out the window and watched the familiar buildings pass by. ‘Uh, Arthur?’

The Gorilla grunted from the driver’s seat.

‘Do you know anything about The Talk?’

The Gorilla’s eyes grew large in the rear-view mirror. He gave a neutral grunt.

The car rolled to a stop.

Adrien stepped out of the car and went inside the school. What was so terrible that no one wanted to talk about it?

 

 

‘…I want everyone to present a two-minute skit on a scene from _The Hunchback of Notre-Dame_ ,’ said Ms. Bustier. ‘Please find a partner quickly. You’ll have today and tomorrow to work on them and present on Friday.’

Alya jumped up, dragged Nino to her tale, and tipped Marinette out of her chair. ‘Hey, look, Marinette! There’s an empty chair there.’ She pointed to Nino’s recently vacated chair.

Adrien smiled up at Marinette. ‘Do you want to be my partner? I promise to do my share of the work.’

Marinette clutched her bag, knees knocking together.

Alya hip-bumped her down to the desk.

Adrien caught Marinette before she could land on her face. He scooted over to Nino’s empty chair. ‘Which scene do you want to do?’

By the end of class, they still had plenty of work to do.

Marinette pulled on her pigtails. ‘There’s no way we’re going to have this finished by Friday.’

‘I’ll see if Nathalie will open up my schedule so we can meet outside of school. Do you want to come over to my house?’

‘I don’t think your dad likes me enough for that.’

Adrien said, ‘He definitely hates you the least of everyone here, so…’

Alya leaned over her desk and said, ‘Why don’t you go to Marinette’s? It’s closer and will save having to send your driver over.’

‘Alya!’

‘That sounds great,’ said Adrien. ‘I’ll talk to Nathalie and get my schedule cleared for this afternoon.’

The bell rang, and Adrien held up his fist. ‘See you later, partner.’

Marinette grinned and barely remembered to bump his fist before sagging back into her chair.

‘You’ve got a date!’ said Alya, swinging her bag onto her shoulder.

‘We’re studying.’

‘Babe,’ said Alya to Nino, ‘how often do we have study dates?’

‘Depends on what we’re studying,’ said Nino, tipping his hat.

‘You two are the worst.’ Marinette grabbed her bag and followed them out of the classroom.

‘Yeah, but you now have an entire evening of Adrien just to yourself,’ said Alya with a wink. ‘See you after lunch!’

 

 

Adrien stared at the section they had been assigned.

‘I was thinking,’ said Marinette, ‘that if we use a couple of props, we might be able to convey the scene a little better.’

Adrien tapped his pencil against his notebook. ‘Do you know what The Talk is?’

Marinette’s pencil snapped in her fingers. Blushing hard, she said, ‘The what?’ in as innocent a voice as she could.

‘The Talk. Nino mentioned something about it yesterday but wouldn’t explain it. I asked Ms. Bustier who told me to talk to my father who brushed it off the first time and tried to get Nathalie to explain it the second time.’

‘I’m sure she loved that,’ muttered Marinette.

Adrien grinned. ‘I think it’s the first time I’ve seen her lose her cool.’

‘Lose her cool? You’re hanging out with Nino too much.’

‘Yeah, well, he is one of my four friends. Five, if you count Ladybug.’

Marinette blushed again and gulped down her water.

‘Do you know what The Talk is?’

She stared at him over her cup, cheeks bulging with water. She managed to swallow and set the cup down. She grabbed Adrien by the arm and dragged him down to the bakery.

The bakery was empty. Tom Dupain was carrying a bag of flour in from a back room. ‘Hello, you two. How’s studying?’

‘Papa.’ Marinette took a deep breath before saying ( ~~screaming~~ ), ‘AdrienhasaquestionaboutTheTalkandthisistoomuch!’

She ran all the way up to her room, slammed the trapdoor shut, and hid under her blankets.

Tikki buzzed out of Marinette’s purse. ‘What’s wrong with talking about sex?’

‘Tikki!’

 

 *****

 

‘So, any more questions?’ Tom smiled warmly.

Adrien scratched the back of his neck. ‘So that’s literally all that’s been making people awkward? That’s what my dad threw a big fit about? Sex?’

A timer dinged.

Tom pulled a tray of pastries from the oven and set them on the cooling rack. ‘Not all adults are as well-adjusted as they should be. They get uncomfortable talking about normal human things.’

He nudged a plate of cooled pastries towards the teen.

Adrien grabbed one and savoured the treat.

Tom ruffled the kid’s hair. ‘And some adults, even if it’s something they’re comfortable with, don’t feel comfortable talking about it with young people. You’re a teenager now, but people like your dad might still see you as a child.’

Adrien finished the pastry and grabbed a second one without thinking. ‘Thanks for everything, Mr Dupain.’

Tom waved his spatula in an elaborate pattern and yelled up the stairs. ‘Marinette!’ He returned to the tray from the oven.

A minute later, Marinette poked her head into the kitchen. ‘All finished?’ Her cheeks were bright pink.

Adrien blinked at her, mind flashing over the conversation. Cheeks flamed and he choked on his pastry.

 


End file.
